How Your Attachment Style Impacts the Therapy Room (and Your Private Practice)
Let’s be real: You didn’t sign up for this job thinking your childhood wounds would sneak into your therapy sessions… and your website copy… and your reaction to client no-shows. But here we are.
In this Not Boring CEs conversation, I sat down with Elizabeth Gillette, LCSW—attachment specialist, therapist, coach, and all-around grounding presence—to talk about how our own attachment styles show up in clinical work and private practice building. If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling after a late cancellation or over-disclosing in session because a client “just gets you,” this one’s for you.
Let’s dig into what attachment theory really means, how it plays out in the therapy room, and how you can create more secure relationships—with your clients and yourself.
What Is Attachment, Really?
Attachment isn’t just something your clients struggle with—it’s something we all bring into every relationship. Elizabeth defines attachment as the degree to which we feel safe, connected, and able to manage intimacy, communication, and conflict.
Think of attachment on a continuum, with anxiety on one end, avoidance on the other, and secure attachment hanging out somewhere in the middle.
The 4 Attachment Styles (A Quick Refresher)
- Secure Attachment
You’re generally comfortable with closeness and independence. You can ride the emotional waves of life without drowning or pulling others under. This is the gold standard—but not a constant state. - Anxious Attachment
You’re hyper-aware of what others are feeling. You might worry your clients don’t like you, that your supervisor’s mad at you, or that every canceled session is a personal rejection. Sound familiar? - Avoidant Attachment
You tend to pull back when things get intense. You value independence and might feel overwhelmed or shut down during emotionally heavy sessions—or when a client gets too close. - Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
You want closeness, but you also fear it. There’s often a push-pull dynamic in relationships, and therapy relationships are no exception. Clients might test you to see if you’ll reject them. Therapists might ghost their own reactions out of confusion or fear.
Yep, Your Attachment Style Shows Up at Work
From your About page to your cancellation policy, your attachment style is already influencing your private practice. Here’s how:
If You Lean Anxious…
- You might overshare on your website to try and connect.
- You take late cancellations very personally.
- You worry constantly about whether your clients like you (or whether you’re even a good therapist at all).
If You Lean Avoidant…
- You might keep your website vague or hide behind “professionalism.”
- You struggle to connect deeply in session or feel flooded when clients get too emotional.
- You avoid asking for feedback—or brush it off when it’s offered.
If You’re Fearful-Avoidant…
- One day you love your practice; the next, you want to burn it down.
- You ping-pong between anxious and avoidant tendencies depending on the client.
- Marketing yourself might feel alternately thrilling and terrifying.
You’re Not Just the Therapist—You’re Also a Person
Your relational history doesn’t get left at the therapy room door. Whether you realize it or not, you’re bringing your own lived experience, triggers, and old patterns into the space. That’s not a flaw—it’s human. And when you’re aware of it, it can actually be a strength.
Elizabeth reminds us: therapists aren’t blank slates. Nor should we be.
Secure attachment in the therapy room isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up consistently, noticing when we mess up, and doing the repair. (BTW: research shows we only need to attune about 30% of the time to build secure relationships. Let that sink in.)
Attachment-Informed Rupture + Repair
Common Triggers for Therapists (and What They Might Mean):
- A no-show client? Cue anxious spiraling about your worth.
- Feedback that lands wrong? Hello, childhood shame response.
- A client pulling away emotionally? Time to check in with your own avoidance.
What Secure Repair Can Sound Like:
- “I noticed something felt off last session. How did it land for you?”
- “I want to check in about something I said—I’ve been thinking about it.”
- “I still care about you and want to work through this together.”
This kind of relational accountability is healing in itself—and for many clients, it’s the first time someone has done it.
Building a More Secure Practice (Literally and Emotionally)
Therapists often struggle with private practice marketing because our attachment patterns sneak in:
- Anxious therapists tend to overdo it—checking their email 400 times a day or refreshing Psychology Today compulsively.
- Avoidant therapists procrastinate, go silent on social, or avoid visibility altogether.
- Fearful-avoidant therapists swing between hustle mode and burnout in record time.
Elizabeth’s advice? Start by noticing what your nervous system is doing. Get support (through therapy, consultation, or both). And when you’re activated, don’t make business decisions.
Helpful Resources to Dive Deeper:
- 📘 The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller
- 📘 Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
- 📘 Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples by Elizabeth Gillette
- 🌀 Elizabeth’s consulting and blog: ElizabethGillette.com
- 🧠 Her therapy practice: Heirloom Counseling
Final Thoughts: Secure-ish Is Good Enough
We don’t have to get it right all the time. In fact, we won’t. But when we know ourselves—when we know how our own attachment stuff shows up—we’re better therapists. We’re better marketers. We’re more grounded humans.
So if a client ghosts you, gives you feedback that stings, or mirrors a relationship dynamic you thought you healed five years ago? Take a breath. Get curious. That’s the work.
Wanna Learn More (and Get CEs While You’re At It)?
If this convo blew your mind a little, head over to NotBoringCEs.com to grab your CE credit. This episode qualifies for continuing education for counselors, social workers, and psychologists.
And if you’ve got a clinical area of expertise and want to have your own Not Boring conversation? You can apply to be a guest while you’re there.
P.S. If you liked this episode, tell your therapist friends, leave a 5-star review, and subscribe for more surprisingly fun CEs for therapists.
