The Mental Load Is Real: What Therapists Need to Know (For Their Clients and Themselves)
You know that exhausted, overwhelmed feeling your clients can’t quite put their finger on? That deep, bone-tired vibe that sticks around even after they’ve “done everything right”? Yeah. That might be the mental load.
In this Not Boring CEs episode, I (Allison Puryear, LCSW) sat down with therapist Maggie Holland to unpack what the mental load really is, how it shows up clinically, and why continuing education for counselors needs to start including it more intentionally. Spoiler: It’s not just about chores. It’s about gender roles, invisible labor, burnout, and all the emotional baggage tied to keeping a household (and life) running.
Whether you’re a therapist offering CEs or a clinician drowning in invisible tasks yourself, this one’s for you.
What Is the Mental Load?
Maggie defines the mental load as all the behind-the-scenes, cognitive labor required to make life work. It includes:
- Planning meals
- Keeping track of schedules
- Anticipating needs
- Managing emotions (yours and everyone else’s)
- Coordinating care, playdates, birthdays, and… everything
It’s the stuff that doesn’t show up on a to-do list because it’s never done. You cross off three things, five more appear. It’s mental juggling at its finest—and most exhausting.
Domestic Labor vs. Mental Load vs. Emotional Labor
Let’s break it down:
- Domestic labor = physical tasks (dishes, laundry, errands)
- Mental load = the thinking, planning, remembering, and organizing
- Emotional labor = managing others’ emotions, smoothing conflict, remembering your mother-in-law’s birthday even though she never remembers yours
Often, these get conflated, but the mental load is uniquely invisible and hard to quantify—which means it’s also easier to ignore, minimize, or dismiss.
Why the Mental Load Matters in Therapy
You know those clients who come in exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious no matter how much mindfulness or coping work you do?
Red flags for unacknowledged mental load might look like:
- Constant overwhelm that doesn’t respond to typical tools
- Trouble sleeping due to spinning thoughts
- Resentment towards a partner
And here’s the kicker: They may not even realize why they’re feeling this way. Because mental load work doesn’t feel like “real” work. But it is. And it can lead to:
- Anxiety
- Fatigue
- Physical tension
- Poor concentration
- Lack of time for joy, hobbies, or friendships
It’s Not Just About the Dishes
Maggie gives a hilarious but telling example from Home Alone: the mom on the plane mentally ticking through everything they forgot. Her husband is relaxed and reading. She’s doing the invisible work.
Now imagine that’s every day. Forever.
It adds up. Like when you cook dinner—it’s not just the cooking. It’s planning the meal, shopping, making sure it fits dietary needs and budget, prepping, cooking, cleaning up, handling the fallout if someone refuses to eat it… And that whole cycle starts again the next day.
How Gender (Still) Shapes Mental Load
Spoiler alert: Women, especially mothers, carry the brunt of the mental load.
Research still shows:
- Women do 3x more unpaid household labor than men
- Even in two-earner, heterosexual households
- The load skyrockets when children are involved
- Societal messages frame men’s time as “finite” and women’s time as “infinite”
Why? Social conditioning. Generational modeling. And those frustrating studies that say women “enjoy it more.” (Cue collective therapist scream.)
Same-sex couples tend to divide labor more equitably, but even they aren’t immune from societal expectations.
Clinical Application: Spot It, Name It, Normalize It
When working with clients (especially women) who are:
- Burned out
- Overwhelmed
- Holding simmering resentment
Start exploring:
- Have they heard of the mental load?
- How does it show up in their life?
- How is it affecting their sleep, health, emotions, and relationships?
Psychoeducation is key. Clients often feel immense relief just putting a name to what they’ve been experiencing.
Tools That Help (Without Blowing Up Marriages)
The book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky comes up a lot. It’s a great resource—but read the book before handing out the cards. Why?
- The book offers context and strategy.
- The cards can feel accusatory if dropped in cold.
- Some partners may feel attacked without understanding the framework.
Pro tip: Present it gently. This isn’t about blame; it’s about teamwork.
For Therapists Who Are Living It, Too
Let’s not pretend therapists are immune. If you’re the one:
- Remembering every school permission slip
- Managing your household’s emotional climate
- Carrying the calendar in your head
- Buying, wrapping, and remembering every single holiday gift
…you’re doing mental load work.
Even with a supportive partner, like Allison describes, it can get sneaky. You might not ask for help because it’s faster to do it yourself. But then resentment builds.
What helps?
- Shared calendars and meal planning apps
- Hiring out when possible (laundry, yard work)
- Clear division of labor based on strengths
- Regular check-ins to reassess what’s working
Reducing the Load in Real Life (and Therapy)
You don’t need to fix everything overnight. But you can help clients:
- Recognize the toll it’s taking
- Reframe unrealistic standards
- Talk with partners using shared language (like the Fair Play system)
- Release perfectionism and martyrdom
- Reconnect with joy, hobbies, and their “unicorn space”
Conclusion: This Work Is the Work
Mental load might not show up on a treatment plan, but it impacts nearly every area of your clients’ lives. And if you’re a therapist who identifies with this, you deserve to offload some of it, too.
If we want to help our clients thrive (and avoid burnout ourselves), we need to name the invisible labor, challenge outdated norms, and start divvying things up in a way that actually feels fair.
Because everything gets easier when you feel like you’re not doing it alone.
Need Continuing Education That Actually Feels Useful?
This conversation with Maggie Holland is part of Not Boring CEs — a place to get your continuing education for counselors, social workers, and psychologists in a way that won’t bore you to death. You’ll laugh. You’ll learn. You’ll actually enjoy earning your CEs for therapists.
